Sunday, February 28, 2010

The Soothsayer Satire: Sam Schachter Studies? by Devin Doyle

Devin wrote this great piece that was featured in the The Purchase Indy
I think it's good to laugh at yourself sometimes or most of the time or for me, all the time.

By Devin Doyle

According to the Purchase College Registrar, major events coordinator and campus personality, Sam Schachter, is going to become a major here at Purchase, starting in the fall of 2010. Students will get the opportunity to earn a four-year undergraduate degree in the study of the young man’s biography, his opinions on everything from music to sports, and his future ambitions in life.
Many prospective Purchase students are relieved that a college is finally offering the major they have been looking for. High school student, David Deytraype, from Forest Hills, NY, is hoping to study that major next year as a freshman. “I have been a huge fan of Schachter’s since I was twelve years old,” says Deytraype. “I really hope to work for Schachter in some way after college. I even grew a beard like his!” Nebraska high school student, Alan Spangreen, won a $25,000 scholarship to Purchase after writing an essay entitled, “Schachter Schock,” which argued that Culture Shock should be renamed after the event’s sole organizer. “I’m honored that the scholarship board allows me to come to Purchase to pursue my dream,” Spangreen tells The Independent. “My financial situation wouldn’t have allowed it otherwise.”
Many undecided Purchase students have now found their niche in this new major. Ethan Kahn, sophomore undecided, thought of majoring in Gender Studies, but instead has decided to major in Sam Schachter. “You know, there’s really nothing you can do with a Gender Studies degree, but the world is your oyster if you have a degree in Sam Schachter,” Kahn says.
A student majoring in Sam Schachter will be offered a highly comprehensive curriculum including such classes as:

• “Introduction to Sam Schachter” (3 credits) An introduction course, which spends two semesters detailing the basic history of Schacter’s twenty plus year life, along with some of his core values.
• “Applied Theories of Schachter” (2 credits) Studies all the decisions Schachter has made at Purchase as a coordinator and organizer and compares them to major events coordinators in 20th century world history.
• “Queer Schachter” (3 credits) Taught by the renowned Gender Studies professor Dr. Laura Henlock, this course re-contextualizes Schachter from gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender perspectives
• “LoveSchack Practicum” (4 credits) A senior-only class in which students develop theses of their own based on opinions found in Schachter’s blog.

The Registar is also considering offering a minor called “Steve Sabel” in which students will juxtapose the careers of Sabel and multiple Presidential nominee Bob Dole

I thought that was fucking hillarious, what did you think?


  1. I think I'll be taking "Applied MetaSchachter" for four credits. A class which considers what is beyond the physical Schachter. Either that, or gym.

  2. I'll be instructing in an outfit similar to this one:

    except with your face on it.

  3. Hi Shack Attack Records!

    Ben Goldstein

  4. what conservatory is this apart of?
    i'm changing my major... i wanna know if my photo credits will transfer


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